Always on My Mind

Whenever I go through my phases of insomnia, I know that it means that I have too much on my mind. Life is pretty slow right now, so I was a little shocked when I couldn't turn my brain off for the last three nights in a row. What's been on my mind? Well, let's see....

• "Is it possible for a 4 year old to have p.m.s.? I'm serious, I swear once a month my dear sweet girl goes through some sort of hormonal imbalance and goes out of control. She's irrational (more than her normal 4 year old self), she's beyond dramatic, she breaks down in tears for the simplest things, like not being able to get her shoe on. And if you even look at her the wrong way she'll have a mini melt down. But then three weeks out of the month she's usually a sweet little angel. Hmmm, I wonder if there's any validity to my theory? I'll have to research that first thing in the morning."

• "Why was I a bump on the log when we had T Night last Friday? I mean my family and Mandy's family get together and do nothing but talk about T, eat things T liked, play games he liked, and watch home movies that he was in. You'd think that it would have been therapeutic and a good thing, (which I think it probably was for most of the people that were there) but for some reason I had a hard time enjoying myself. I was a bump on the log, said nothing to contribute, and then left mad and frustrated with myself. Even now one week later here I am beating myself up over it. I was given a great opportunity to talk about my brother (which is what I want to do all too often) and I didn't take it. Grrrr."

• "Why is it that I really hate small talk. Is it the fact that I hate the trivial "how are ya's." Or maybe it's the awkward looks of "what do I say next" that I don't like. Either way I don't like it. Is it bad that I try to avoid people to avoid small talk? I say no. I gotta do what I gotta do. I wish people would just get down to the meat of the conversation. Not that I'm all that good at it, I just wish other people would do it, so I don't have to squirm so much during the torturous small talk."

• "I wonder if those vitamins/pills/herbal teas that claim to help your memory really work. I have a TERRIBLE short term memory and would almost be willing to give those a try-a-roo. It frustrates me to no end that I can't remember details of movies that I just saw or books that I just read. If it's not written down for me to remember at a later time, then there's a good chance it's long forgotten. Too bad that I'll forget all my thoughts about this in the morning and forget to research about it. I should get a pad and paper by my bed to help me remember my deep insomniac ponderings."

• "After watching the Nate Berkus show today I think I'm going to try and incorporate turquoise into my bedroom more."

• "What should I get/do for Matt this Valentine's? It seems like I've kind of dropped the ball when it comes to anniversary's and valentines lately. I should do something special for him. Hmmm, think, think, think,....I've got nothing."

• "Why are people so embarrassed to cry or admit that something is wrong in their lives? It seems like a lot of people lately are hiding back the tears and are almost ashamed to let them be seen. I guess I've been known to do that before. I just wish people weren't like that with me. It would make me feel a lot better to know that others have down days just like me."

• "Gee I wish T was here to gossip with. I loved gossiping with him. He was the most non judgmental gossiper I've ever met. He could give me the scoop on people's dirty laundry like no other, but at the same time you could see the love in his eyes for those people. Man he was amazing!!... Great. Here come the water works. I guess I'll sneak into the bathroom so I don't wake up Matt with my pity party."

• "Why is it that our house gets so dang hot in the middle of the night?!!! If I turn the thermostat down too low, we freeze between the hours of 10 and 2. But if I don't, we roast after the 2:00 hour. There's no happy medium. I guess I'd rather be hot than cold."

• "I need to remember to start finding a Queen Amidala costume for Jedi Days for Isaac's class. Man, I love to dress up."

So there you have it, life's questions as seen through the eyes of an insomniac.