I had a dream last night that has been haunting me all day long. I'm a firm believer that our dreams mean something. Whether they're helping us deal with or solve our problems, or whether they're a way of sorting out the things that are going on in our lives, I believe there is meaning behind them. However, last nights dream is throwing me for a loop. Maybe it's the fact that I can't think in general; therefore, I am in no frame of mind to be interpreting or finding deep meaning to just about anything. Nevertheless, I can't get this dream out of my head, so I thought I'd sit down and write about it to maybe help clear my brain a little. The only thing is, this dream had so much feeling behind it. There is no way I can fully relay into writing how powerful it really was. But I'll try...
I dreamed that I had cancer and was dying. The weird thing was, I was inside Travis' body. I was myself, but I was experiencing everything exactly as he experienced his trial through cancer. There aren’t any words to describe how devastating and sad this was. It was a feeling that you can only know if you have gone through it yourself. The thing that hurt the worst and that kept coming to my mind were my kids. It tore me up that I was going to have to leave my children behind and have them grow up without me. Every time I thought about it a nauseousness that I've never felt before came over me. While trying to process this, I was suddenly in a chapel at some church and we were about to have my funeral. I had several people come and ask if the fact that we were having a funeral for me meant that I was dying soon. I felt fine, but then I thought about how Travis was right before he died and how quickly he deteriorated, so I knew that I too was going to die shortly. The realization of this was torture. But I put on a brave face and sat in a pew by myself to listen to my funeral. I don’t remember who spoke or what was said. All I remember is in the middle of somebody’s talk I looked over in the next isle and there was my mom, also by herself listening to the talks and crying. My first reaction wasn’t happiness or excitement. I was heart broken, because the fact that she was here meant that she wasn’t in heaven with Travis. A phrase from Travis’ obituary kept running through my mind..., “We take great comfort in knowing that there is a happy reunion.” It killed me that my mom wasn't there when Travis first got to heaven. Somehow though, I concluded that she was in heaven to meet Travis, but now she had to come back to help me through my current trial. But then it hit me that the only reason Travis died was so that there could be somebody to greet me when I died. It made me sick to my stomach to think about this. Before the last speaker ended I snuck behind my mom and asked her if she wanted to quickly say a few things also. So when the speaker was done, she got up and said some things about me. I don’t remember what she said, I just remember that every so often I had to stand by her and support her because she was so sick and weak. I felt so selfish that she had to come back into her sick body so that she could be here for me and that now Travis was all alone.
I really don’t know what to think of this dream. Like I said, it’s been haunting me all day long. And all day long I've been dealing with more emotions than I know what to do with. Those feelings I felt when I knew I was dying are indescribable. And it kills me to think that Travis felt those kind of feelings on a daily basis. I was talking with my cousin earlier today and she mentioned how it's probably hard to know what sorrow is coming from losing Travis and what sadness is coming from the dug up emotions of losing my mom. Dealing with the death of Travis and the hurt of losing my mom is stronger than ever. I feel like the pain of both of those things were manifested through my dream somehow. My pain is so strong and the hurt is so deep. I’m constantly putting on my painted smile and am trying to push through my days for the sake of those around me. And I guess while I'm being open & honest about my emotions I'll continue to say what's on my mind. I've also come to the realization that I'm not dealing with this in the most healthy way for a number of reasons. First of all, I try to go, go, go, put on that fake smile of mine, and pretend that things are good. I assume that when people ask how I'm doing they don't really want to know the truth. I give them my scripted answer of, "I'm hanging in there," and then I give them the biggest smile I can muster up so it's not uncomfortable. When on the inside I'm thinking, "my heart continually aches, my thoughts are on T nonstop, and I'm on the verge of tears for 80% of the day. Basically, I feel like crap!" My second downfall in dealing with this is I don't give merit to my own grief. I feel like I can't grieve in front of Mandy or her kids because they have it so much worse than me. That's even been a thing that I've said to myself to stop feeling so down. I tell myself that there are others worse off so I don't have any room to feel sorry for myself. So, I guess this post is my first step towards dealing with my grief in a more healthy way. Now that it's said and is out there, I can feel more free to express my feelings and not feel guilty for it. Sorry for such a heavy post, I just needed a little written therapy!
I dreamed that I had cancer and was dying. The weird thing was, I was inside Travis' body. I was myself, but I was experiencing everything exactly as he experienced his trial through cancer. There aren’t any words to describe how devastating and sad this was. It was a feeling that you can only know if you have gone through it yourself. The thing that hurt the worst and that kept coming to my mind were my kids. It tore me up that I was going to have to leave my children behind and have them grow up without me. Every time I thought about it a nauseousness that I've never felt before came over me. While trying to process this, I was suddenly in a chapel at some church and we were about to have my funeral. I had several people come and ask if the fact that we were having a funeral for me meant that I was dying soon. I felt fine, but then I thought about how Travis was right before he died and how quickly he deteriorated, so I knew that I too was going to die shortly. The realization of this was torture. But I put on a brave face and sat in a pew by myself to listen to my funeral. I don’t remember who spoke or what was said. All I remember is in the middle of somebody’s talk I looked over in the next isle and there was my mom, also by herself listening to the talks and crying. My first reaction wasn’t happiness or excitement. I was heart broken, because the fact that she was here meant that she wasn’t in heaven with Travis. A phrase from Travis’ obituary kept running through my mind..., “We take great comfort in knowing that there is a happy reunion.” It killed me that my mom wasn't there when Travis first got to heaven. Somehow though, I concluded that she was in heaven to meet Travis, but now she had to come back to help me through my current trial. But then it hit me that the only reason Travis died was so that there could be somebody to greet me when I died. It made me sick to my stomach to think about this. Before the last speaker ended I snuck behind my mom and asked her if she wanted to quickly say a few things also. So when the speaker was done, she got up and said some things about me. I don’t remember what she said, I just remember that every so often I had to stand by her and support her because she was so sick and weak. I felt so selfish that she had to come back into her sick body so that she could be here for me and that now Travis was all alone.
I really don’t know what to think of this dream. Like I said, it’s been haunting me all day long. And all day long I've been dealing with more emotions than I know what to do with. Those feelings I felt when I knew I was dying are indescribable. And it kills me to think that Travis felt those kind of feelings on a daily basis. I was talking with my cousin earlier today and she mentioned how it's probably hard to know what sorrow is coming from losing Travis and what sadness is coming from the dug up emotions of losing my mom. Dealing with the death of Travis and the hurt of losing my mom is stronger than ever. I feel like the pain of both of those things were manifested through my dream somehow. My pain is so strong and the hurt is so deep. I’m constantly putting on my painted smile and am trying to push through my days for the sake of those around me. And I guess while I'm being open & honest about my emotions I'll continue to say what's on my mind. I've also come to the realization that I'm not dealing with this in the most healthy way for a number of reasons. First of all, I try to go, go, go, put on that fake smile of mine, and pretend that things are good. I assume that when people ask how I'm doing they don't really want to know the truth. I give them my scripted answer of, "I'm hanging in there," and then I give them the biggest smile I can muster up so it's not uncomfortable. When on the inside I'm thinking, "my heart continually aches, my thoughts are on T nonstop, and I'm on the verge of tears for 80% of the day. Basically, I feel like crap!" My second downfall in dealing with this is I don't give merit to my own grief. I feel like I can't grieve in front of Mandy or her kids because they have it so much worse than me. That's even been a thing that I've said to myself to stop feeling so down. I tell myself that there are others worse off so I don't have any room to feel sorry for myself. So, I guess this post is my first step towards dealing with my grief in a more healthy way. Now that it's said and is out there, I can feel more free to express my feelings and not feel guilty for it. Sorry for such a heavy post, I just needed a little written therapy!
11 comments:
When I first went to work full time after graduating I would often have horrible nightmares about my children. I think our worries and grieve carry over into our subconscious and create havoc on our mental state. I would bottle it all inside and try to go go go and try and be the perfect Mom, wife and Engineer. But it didn't work. I finally decided that I was human and gave up on being perfect. My only advice is to not bottle up the emotion. Talk about Travis with Steven and Mandy and kids and try to get his memories flowing in the best positive way that you can. May you feel a tender mercy today.
Aleesha, you are so much stronger than you believe yourself to be. I'm amazed by the way you continue to be open and honest through all of this. There are very few who have experienced what you have. And therefore a slim few that can understand your agony.
Thank you for being willing to share your healing process.
Sure love you sweet girl! Your level of empathy is amazing, even in a dream! I always think that the harder the trial the more amazing we are when we reach the other side. This trial won't end in this life, but it can be eased with time. Travis and your mom loved you so much and are still comforting you! Call any time you need to say how you are really feeling - I will still think you are great!!
Hang in there, Aleesha. You have a ton of support surrounding you, don't be afraid to use it! Love ya...
You are an amazing and strong person Aleesha. Believe that about yourself, but also let yourself feel like crap and cry too. It's okay to be sad and grieve. It's natural and allowed. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling and you sharing this dream only gives me a glimpse. Don't get down on yourself or think its unhealthy to feel this way...from a bystander I think you have handled this with such grace and love for everyone else around you...I wish there was something more I could do. I hope prayers and just a smile and hug will help a little.
Ok, not to rant, but another thought. Just because others have more or less to mourn or have a harder or easier situation, doesn't change the validity of how you are feeling. It is ok to hurt even if others are hurting more. It is ok!! Also, some days it is better to trudge and others it is better to lay on the couch and cry. As long as you don't get stuck in one or the other and are moving along. You are great either way!! Ok I am done ranting!! (at least for now)!!
Grief is a strange thing. Sorry you have had so much of it in your young life. You are in my thoughts & prayers always. Love you...
I love ya Leesh. That is one crazy dream. I'm guessing your dream was full of such strong emotions because you've been holding them in so much. I'm glad you wrote it all out so we know how you're really feeling.
Makes me sick to think you had that empty, dark feeling I get when wake up from horrible dreams. We definitely need to get together more because Steven is also drowning himself in softball stuff to keep busy. You two need to talk about the same painful feelings you're experiencing. He is "painting" so much that he's also now on auto-pilot and it worries me. Hugs to ya Leesh because there's nothing I can say that will take away your hurt. Karianne keeps promising that it will get better so all I can do is trust in that at this point.
Aleesha, I have been thinking about you non stop lately and wish I could make everything better or say something that would help. I sure do love you and your family & treasure our friendship...eventhough we hardly get to see each other. We will keep you in our prayers always. I think we better get together soon with Ang & Jen and have some fun!!
Aleesha, I just read your blog. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. It is a reflection of the deep love you have for your Mom and Travis. I know that those we love are available in times of need. You are such a sweet spirit. You have carried such a burden. I will always pray for you and your family.
I miss your Mom so much. I always think I should call to tell her something. I am so grateful that she is free from the pain and the miserable body she lived in. She always had a smile, and said she was just fine.. Just a little headache...she would say.
It is a privilege to know you and your Mom. I would only hope to be a small part of who you are.
Love you. Linda
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